With young Indians becoming more modern with each day, why is the youth of India still going for the outdated practice of arranged marriages?
It finally happened when Ankita was wearing a pink two-piece dress and a part of her dress got stuck in the watch of the man behind her. What could seem like a minor inconvenience to many was what Ankita had always dreamt of – being at a wedding, looking beautiful and reenacting a scene from the thousands of Bollywood movies the 22-year old had grown up watching.
She envisioned the guy standing behind her to be the perfect one, already falling in love with her and ready to give her the fairytale love she deserves. However, all her dreams came crashing down as she turned and faced the father of the groom who had raised his hand to grab a drink from the waiter and got it stuck in her complicated dress. He smiled at her as he removed her dupatta from his watch and told her she looked like a princess.
Ankita faked a smile but cursed her luck for never having her perfect guy get stuck in situations with her. She wondered if like all her other brothers and sisters, even she would have to do a loveless arranged marriage. It scared her to think that so many people could fail at finding the perfect one without any external help from parents on this planet with a population of seven billion people.
Arranged marriage is a practice followed in India and many other Asian countries where the bride and the groom are introduced to each other by their parents if the groom and bride like each other they court each other and then get married soon after. The perception of arranged marriages as loveless is not new among youngsters inside and outside India.
“I think arranged marriage is horribly oppressive and backward. It spits in the name of love. You don’t learn to be in love. Either you are or you aren’t, you cannot force it with time.”
Isadora Sinha, a resident of Wilshire with Indian heritage
Even without the topic of love, arranged marriages are faced with some practical fears.
Aled Huw Russell from Cardiff University says, “Is it really down to if they like each after 5 months or is there not huge pressure to not go against your family etc.? Because if there were threats of excommunication from the family if you decline the marriage in essence that’s a form of coercion, which in my opinion is morally indefensible.”
John Saint, 21, says, “My concern is if I were to be forced into a marriage and I had to spend the rest of my life with someone I didn’t enjoy spending time with… But I don’t think my parents would pick someone inappropriate.”
However, despite these concerns, there are communities in India which strongly practice arranged marriages and have low divorce rates. There exist apps like shaadi.com which connect people and their parents to help people find a suitable partner online.
Nikhil Agarwal a businessman and a father says, “We trust our parents and their choice. They have given us everything we have in life and honestly, I don’t think I could have landed a better girl had I went out and looked for her. Trust me, all of us have tried.”
Arranged marriages do not follow the conventional definition of love.
“Love is a mutual understanding and respect you have for one another, irrespective of being two different personalities in every way. But yes, it does need time for this kind of bond to build up. I had an arranged marriage and me and my husband fell in love during our courtship and our love grows stronger every day.”
Navisha, a newly wed who has studied business in New Delhi, Mumbai and California
Piyush Satra owner of the wedding photography group ShaadiFilmer talks about filming couples for their pre-wedding and wedding functions, “I haven’t felt any awkwardness between couples that are going for arranged marriages. I think that today’s generation is very smart and understands the kind of relations they have to build up in the future. Earlier was a time in arranged marriages when the girl used to be shy but today it is not like that. So, I don’t see much difference between arranged and love marriages.”
When speaking to people who know much about the subject they bring up things like dowry (where the bride’s family is forced to give the groom’s family money and gifts), or that of arranged child marriages which are long-standing practices that worked alongside arranged marriages for a very long time but are not actually a part of it and are not being followed in the voluntary kind of arranged marriages. To new people who just see the concept as it really is without the practices that have been followed alongside it seems like just another viable way to find a partner.
A Cardiff University student from London, Astrid Stirling says, “I have no problem with arranged marriages – just another form of blind dating really. The parents helping find someone for their son/daughter which makes sense since they know them well, sometimes even better than they know themselves, especially good when in the culture parental approval is usually important. Arranged marriages have lower rates of divorce and at the end of the day, if they don’t like the person they meet, they can just say no. It’s normal in the UK for friends to set each other up with people, so why not parents?”
The concerns about arranged marriages being oppressive to women exist as well. While it cannot be denied that all the practices in an arranged marriage follow gender equality it is surprising to note that a lot of people now have parents who are understanding and do not force arranged marriage on them and yet, the children choose to pursue arranged marriages over finding their own partner.
Some oppression could be due to the fact that in most cases of arranged marriages earlier, the bride had to take all he belongings and move in with the groom and his family whom she would try to win over in the first few months. Nowadays the culture of big families is dying and even if the girl shifts to the boy’s house, both their families try to make the new member comfortable instead of trying to test anyone.
Priya Agarwal, who has been married for almost two decades says, “When I was married, the family expected certain things of me since I was the new bride. But now times have changed and we have become the family that welcomes the bride so we make sure that the new member does not feel any pressure to prove us anything and we in fact, pamper her and make her feel like she is at home.”
Piyush Satra says, “Differentiation between love and arranged marriage doesn’t exist anymore, we have stopped asking if people if they are in an arranged or a love marriage. Mostly people who hire us are arranged marriages, love marriages exist but the ratio skewed towards arranged more. “
Truth is these arranged marriages of India have become a practical way of finding a partner with the help of one’s parents.
“We decide on an arranged marriage because we have tested the waters and understood the world of dating. Sure, it is no Bollywood love story, but it is real love that we have cultivated over time.”
Nikhil Agarwal
